Exploring The Sound Relationship House

Relationships are such an important part of life, and your marriage is one of the most significant. In the early years of psychology, theorists speculated about what makes a marriage work and what strategies couples could use to overcome challenges and prevent divorce. By the mid-20th century, this curiosity turned into actual scientific research, with Dr. John Gottman becoming one of the top experts in the field of relationship studies.

Dr. John Gottman, a well-known psychologist, has spent more than 50 years studying what makes marriages stable or leads to divorce. From his research, he and his wife, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, developed the Sound Relationship House theory, which forms the basis for a science-backed approach to couples counseling.

The Sound Relationship House (SRH) is made up of two walls and seven levels, each representing a key trait of strong, lasting relationships. Just like the floors in a house, each level supports and builds on the one below it. Let's take a look at what makes up the Sound Relationship House:

Levels of the Sound Relationship House

The walls of the SRH are trust and commitment. Trust is a belief that your partner will always be there for you and has your best interest at heart. It's built and kept strong when both partners act in ways that support each other's physical, mental, and emotional well-being, instead of just looking out for themselves.

Commitment is about choosing your relationship every day, no matter how you feel. It means seeing the relationship as a lifelong journey, through both the good times and the tough ones. When commitment is strong, partners stay loyal, view each other as their best choice, and truly appreciate one another.

Without the pillars of trust and commitment, the levels of the Sound Relationship House will not stand.

Level 1: Build Love Maps

The first level of the SRH focuses on the mental space you make for your partner by really getting to know their daily life and inner world. It means taking a genuine interest in their world—knowing what they like, what they’re going through, their routines, and even their hopes, dreams, and fears. All this information creates a "love map" in your mind, helping you understand your partner better.

Couples who keep their love maps up to date tend to understand each other better, feel more emotionally connected, and are more in tune with each other's needs and desires. On the other hand, couples struggling with this level of the SRH might feel like they're not really seen or valued, which can lead to a drop in passion and romance. To learn more about love maps, check out Building Love Maps.

Level 2: Share Fondness and Admiration

The second level of the SRH focuses on how much affection and respect you show each other, and how willing you are to express those feelings. It emphasizes the importance of keeping a positive atmosphere in the relationship by regularly focusing on the things you love and admire about your partner, and making sure to express that appreciation and admiration.

This helps create a supportive and loving atmosphere within the relationship, strengthening the emotional bond and making both partners feel secure and valued. Dr. Gottman's research found that couples who frequently spontaneously express affection and admiration toward each other are more likely to have successful relationships.

When there's a lack of fondness and admiration in a relationship, it usually means there are bigger issues with the couple's friendship. Couples who struggle with this level of the SRH often feel like they’re not respected, appreciated, or loved by each other, and may feel taken for granted. Issues with fondness and admiration can naturally come from past hurts, poor conflict resolution, unsuccessful attempts to connect emotionally, and not clearly expressing needs. To learn more about nurturing this level of the SRH, check out The Power of Fondness and Admiration.

Level 3: Turn Towards Instead of Away

Level three of the SRH concentrates on creating emotional connection by being attentive and responsive to your partner. In healthy relationships, partners respond positively to each other’s bids for emotional connection. A bid is any action, whether verbal or nonverbal, that helps spark a positive connection between you and your partner.

Partners get to choose how they respond to a bid. Turning toward your partner means being open, supportive, and present when they’re looking for attention, affection, or communication. By prioritizing the relationship and responding to these bids, you build trust and intimacy, showing that you’re in tune with and ready to connect with your partner’s needs and emotions.

Connection in a relationship thrives on these small, daily interactions. Every time you turn toward your partner's bid, it’s like making a deposit in their emotional bank account. In strong relationships, partners respond to each other's bids 86% of the time. In relationships that are falling apart, partners only responded to each others bids about 33% of the time.

This level of the SRH can struggle if bids are ignored or if one partner stops making an effort to connect. When this happens and emotional bank accounts run empty and couples can start to feel distant and disconnected. They might lose the sense of fun and sharing in the relationship and feel like their partner isn’t matching their interest or enthusiasm.

Level 4: The Positive Perspective

The way couples interact is influenced by the emotions that build up from each moment over time. These interactions can create a "sentiment override," which is basically an overall feeling or perspective about your partner and the relationship that can affect how you see and react to things in the present.

A positive perspective, or positive sentiment override (PSO), happens when the first three levels of the Sound Relationship House are in good shape and the friendship in the marriage is strong. When someone is in PSO, they tend to have a positive view of their relationship and their partner’s intentions, often giving their partner the benefit of the doubt rather than assuming the worst.

A negative perspective, or negative sentiment override, occurs when a person carries feelings of hurt, insignificance, or rejection from past interactions. This causes them to view all current interactions through a negative lens. Being in negative sentiment override can make it harder to handle conflicts, solve problems, and get things back on track when conversations go off course. If you're not feeling positive about the relationship, it probably means one or more of the first three levels of the SRH need some work.

Level 5: Manage Conflict

Conflict is a natural part of any relationship, but how it's handled can really impact the overall quality of the relationship. This level of the SRH focuses on building good conflict management skills, like listening actively, communicating respectfully, showing empathy, and working toward compromise. It’s about avoiding harmful behaviors like criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and shutting down (stonewalling).

Dr. Gottman prefers the term "conflict management" over "conflict resolution" because his research showed that 69% of the issues couples face are ongoing and tied to differences in values or personality. He and his colleagues also found that it is the successful regulation of conflict, not the resolution of conflict, which is predictive of the long-term relationship success.

Level 6: Make Life Dreams Come True

The sixth level of the SRH focuses on partners supporting and working together to help each other achieve their dreams and goals. This doesn’t just mean big goals like career ambitions, but also the more personal, unspoken dreams—like what each person envisions for their marriage and family life. When both partners actively help each other reach these dreams, it strengthens their connection and teamwork. It’s important to create a relationship where both partners feel like their life dreams are supported.

Level 7: Create Shared Meaning

The final level of the SRH centers around the deeper sense of meaning and purpose that couples create together. Couples build a unique, shared culture by developing rituals, traditions, and goals that are special to them as a couple. This helps deepen their emotional connection and fosters a sense of unity, or "we-ness."

This deeper connection strengthens emotional intimacy, making the relationship more resilient and fulfilling. It helps partners feel more aligned with each other, creating a foundation for navigating challenges and enjoying life together. Having a sense of meaning and purpose as a couple also makes the relationship feel more special and worth investing in.

Your Relationship Prescription

Building a strong relationship isn’t a one-time effort—it’s an ongoing process that requires intention and care. The Sound Relationship House provides a blueprint for creating lasting love and connection. By focusing on building trust, sharing fondness and admiration, managing conflict, and supporting each other’s dreams, you can create a solid foundation that will carry you through challenges.

Take the time today to check in with your partner, strengthen those pillars, and invest in the growth of your relationship. Start small and be consistent, and you’ll see the positive changes that lead to a healthier, happier connection.

References:

Gottman, J. M. (1999). The marriage clinic: A scientifically-based marital therapy. W. W. Norton.