I love hearing about those big, romantic gestures couples make when they’re in the early stages of a relationship—like candlelit dinners, cars filled with balloons and love notes, or flowers being delivered to work day after day. It’s like something out of a movie! While those grand gestures are definitely exciting and add some spark to the beginning of a relationship, research shows that keeping a long-term relationship strong requires a different set of dynamics.
The real strength of a relationship over time comes from the small gestures of love—the little moments where you connect, show appreciation, share affection, and acknowledge each other. It’s these tiny, positive interactions that build the foundation for a happy, fulfilling relationship and act like deposits into your partner’s emotional bank account.
Dr. John Gottman's research demonstrates how important it is to make regular deposits into your partner’s emotional bank account. He found that happy, thriving marriages have at least 5 positive interactions for every negative interaction during conflict. So basically, 1 moment of negativity cancels out the effects of 5 positive moments. In terms of the emotional bank account, 1 withdrawal wipes out 5 deposits. If couples aren't consciously making those positive deposits, their emotional bank account might start slipping into the red.
In the beginning of a relationship, it’s usually pretty easy to stay positive and connected, but as life gets busier, those things can easily take a backseat. To keep that same spark and connection alive, couples need to make a conscious effort to keep making those deposits into their partner’s emotional bank account—just like they did when they first fell in love.
It’s really important to know what actions make deposits into your partner’s emotional bank account and make sure you're doing those things every day. It’s just as important to know what fills your own emotional bank account and be able to communicate that to your partner. These little acts of care, when done regularly, help build connection, commitment, and trust in the relationship. They also create a positive vibe between you two, which can help you both get through those occasional disagreements, selfish moments, or mistakes.
The Small Gestures
When I see couples for counseling, I sometimes ask each person to come up with a list of 10 small, positive things their partner can do for them during the week to show they care. A lot of times, this is something couples haven’t really talked about before. Once they’ve got their lists, I have them swap and encourage them to do at least one thing each day from the list to show they care. Here are some examples of caring behaviors my clients created.
Kiss me before you leave for the day.
Hug me when you get home from work.
Ask me how my day was and listen without distractions.
Hold my hand while we watch TV.
Text me an encouraging message during the day.
Tell me a characteristic you admire about me.
Do one of my daily chores for me.
Notice something I’ve done and thank me.
Look me in the eyes when we talk.
Compliment me on my appearance.
Smile at me for no reason.
Surprise me with my favorite treat.
Go for a walk with me after dinner.
Fill my car with gas.
Your Relationship Prescription
Take a moment to think about the small things that make you feel loved, and ask your partner what little gestures speak love to them. These simple acts are what make a relationship truly fulfilling.
By regularly showing kindness, gratitude, and affection, you’re building a strong, positive foundation in your relationship. Every little deposit into your partner’s emotional bank account adds up, creating a deeper connection and a stronger bond between you both.