The Power of Fondness and Admiration

So, what makes happy couples different from unhappy ones? And how do couples in successful relationships keep that spark alive? Dr. John Gottman, after studying relationships for five decades, found that successful couples create an environment filled with positivity. This is something he emphasizes in the second level of his Sound Relationship House model.

Nurturing fondness and admiration is all about recognizing and sharing what you love about each other. It’s about making a choice to focus on your partner’s positive qualities, what they are doing right, and the good things they bring to the relationship, instead of getting stuck on their mistakes.

Couples who focus on building fondness and admiration for each other tend to feel more supported, understood, and loved. They also say they have stronger friendships and are better at handling conflicts or challenges that pop up.

How to Nurture Fondness and Admiration

Appreciation and Gratitude

Make it a point to show appreciation and gratitude for your partner, whether it’s for the big things or the little ones they do to make the relationship work. Even if it’s something they’re “supposed” to do, thank them for it. It’s a great way to acknowledge their efforts and create a positive, supportive environment in the relationship. And really, who doesn't like to be appreciated?

Focus on Strengths

For some people, it’s easy to fall into the habit of criticizing, pointing out where others are "falling short." But that doesn’t help build admiration or respect in a relationship. Instead, it can create negativity and emotional distance between you.

Here’s a simple example of focusing on flaws. Let’s say it’s your turn to clean the kitchen, but you’re busy with a work project, so you ask your spouse to take over. After they finish, you walk in, look around, and say, “Why didn’t you wipe down the backsplash?” in a disapproving tone. Do you think your spouse feels appreciated for their effort?

Instead, recognize and celebrate your partner’s strengths and positive qualities. Replace dwelling on and pointing out flaws, with focusing on the aspects of your partner that you cherish and respect, and communicate that admiration to your partner. In the above scenario, this would look like, "It was really thoughtful of you to agree to take on the kitchen tonight. I really appreciated the extra time to get my work project finished."

Express Affection

Show affection in both physical and emotional ways to really let your partner know you love and care about them. It’s not just about saying "I love you"—it’s about the little actions that back it up.

Simple gestures like hugs, kisses, holding hands, or even a gentle touch can go a long way in making your partner feel valued and loved. These small acts of affection help build intimacy, strengthen your connection, and keep the relationship feeling warm and secure. It's about making your partner feel seen and appreciated in ways that go beyond words.

Express Admiration

Make sure to verbally express your admiration for your partner. Compliment them on their accomplishments, personality, and how they deal with challenges. Let them know you truly admire and look up to them. Here are some examples:

“You have such a great sense of adventure. I love the little road trips you plan for us.”

“I love how playful you are. You always know how to make me smile.”

“I really appreciated how calm you stayed when our plans changed. I was feeling pretty anxious, and your calmness really helped.”

Relive Positive Shared Memories

Take some time to remember and share positive memories from your time together. When couples talk about happy moments they’ve shared, they tap into the emotional connection formed during those moments. Looking back on those memories can bring back those good feelings and make your bond even stronger.

Your Relationship Prescription

Nurturing fondness and admiration takes effort and intention every day. It’s about choosing to notice the small things, showing gratitude, and making your partner feel appreciated. The more you focus on these positive feelings, the stronger your emotional connection will become.

So, take a moment each day to recognize what you love and admire about your partner, and you’ll see how it deepens your bond. Regular appreciation can really make a difference, helping to create a relationship that’s not just strong but also deeply fulfilling.