Build Shared Meaning for a Stronger Relationship

When we think about what creates a lasting relationship, we usually focus on things like resolving conflicts, showing care every day, or keeping a balance between the good and the bad moments. But relationship expert Dr. John Gottman points out that there's another key piece to the puzzle: creating shared meaning. This encompasses building a unique culture as a couple that genuinely reflects who you are together.

What Does "Creating Shared Meaning" Mean?

Creating shared meaning for a stronger relationship is all about building a shared story—a tapestry that combines your values, dreams, rituals, and traditions. In Dr. Gottman’s model, seen as the top level of his Sound Relationship House, it represents the peak of a relationship's growth. It’s not just about raising children, paying bills, or splitting chores; it’s about creating a life together that reflects both of your identities and goals as one tapestry. This might include:

Rituals and Traditions 

Incorporating rituals into a relationship plays a vital role in strengthening emotional bonds and fostering a deeper connection between partners.  The rituals, whether daily, weekly, or yearly, also create a shared language of love and care. A daily ritual could be as simple as enjoying a morning coffee together or giving each other a warm welcome after work. Weekly rituals might include a standing date night, a weekly "marriage meeting", or Friday movie night.

Yearly traditions are just as important! When my husband, Chris, and I were dating, we started a tradition of taking a road trip every year for my birthday. It’s something we’ve kept up in our marriage, and we always look forward to it. It’s a fun way to have an adventure, explore new places together, and reminisce about all the trips we’ve taken over the years.

Established rituals offer a sense of structure and reliability in a relationship. This predictability can be comforting, especially during times of change or stress, as it reinforces a stable foundation. 

Shared Values and Roles 

Shared values and clearly defined roles help create a strong foundation in a relationship. When both partners are on the same page about their beliefs, expectations, and responsibilities, it creates a sense of harmony and clarity. Instead of feeling like two individuals managing separate lives, couples who create shared values and roles work together toward a common vision, strengthening their bond and deepening their connection. By discussing and agreeing on values like family, career, and household responsibilities, couples strengthen their bond and reduce potential conflicts.

Joint Goals and Life Dreams

Beyond personal goals, couples who create shared meaning set dreams and plans together—whether it’s traveling somewhere exciting, building a home, or giving back to their community. These shared goals become milestones in your journey as a couple and reinforce the idea that you’re in this together.

How Shared Meaning Builds a Stronger Relationship

It Fosters Unity and Identity

A relationship isn’t just a collection of two independent lives; it’s a partnership that forms its own unique culture. When you create shared meaning, you’re defining what makes your relationship special. This shared identity becomes the anchor during challenging times, offering both comfort and purpose.

It Deepens Emotional Connection

Regularly engaging in meaningful conversations about your hopes, dreams, and even the stories of your past fosters intimacy. By learning about each other’s inner worlds, you build a “love map” that guides you in moments of need and helps you understand each other on a deeper level.

It Provides a Framework for Conflict

Every couple faces conflict, but those who share a deep sense of meaning have a buffer against the negatives. When disagreements arise, the shared narrative and rituals remind you that the relationship is bigger than any single argument. This perspective can help transform conflict into opportunities for growth.

Practical Ways to Cultivate Shared Meaning

Creating shared meaning isn’t a one-time project; it’s an ongoing process that evolves as you grow together. Here are some practical tips inspired by Gottman’s work:

1. Establish Rituals of Connection

Make time for each other, whether it’s a daily check-in, a weekly date night, or a special way to say goodbye each morning. These little rituals become the heart of your relationship, keeping you connected and grounded in each other’s presence.

2. Engage in Deep Conversations

Make it a habit to talk about your dreams, values, and even the quirky traditions from your childhood. Ask each other things like, "What does a meaningful life look like to you?" or "How do you see our future together?" These conversations help you understand each other better and make sure you’re on the same page for the future. They also help to make sure you are keeping your "Love Maps" up to date.

3. Create Shared Goals and Projects

Take on a project or plan that gets both of you excited—whether it’s redecorating your home, planning a trip, or volunteering together. Working on these shared projects reinforces the idea that you’re a team, moving toward a common goal.

4. Celebrate Your Unique Culture

Look for and celebrate the little rituals that are unique to your relationship. It could be a song that brings back a special memory or a yearly tradition just for the two of you. These personal touches become symbols of your shared life and bond.

Your Relationship Prescription

Creating shared meaning isn’t something that happens overnight—it’s an ongoing journey of growing together, creating new traditions, and shaping your lives in a way that feels right for both of you. When you intentionally create rituals, align your values, and work toward shared goals, you’re not just strengthening your bond—you’re building a solid foundation that can weather any storm.

Dr. Gottman’s research shows that when a relationship is built on shared meaning, both partners feel heard, appreciated, and deeply connected—it’s the kind of partnership that truly lasts. So, lean into the process, create your own story together, and watch your relationship grow into something meaningful and lasting.