Understanding Bids for Connection

The third level of Dr. Gottman's Sound Relationship House focuses on creating emotional connection with your partner by "turning towards" bids for connection and engagement.

What is A Bid for Connection?

A bid describes how people in romantic relationships reach out to each other for connection. A bid is essentially any attempt someone makes to gain attention, affection, support, or simply to connect with their partner. It could be as simple as a sigh or a smile, a request for help, asking your opinion, or even a nonverbal gesture like a hug or touch, or offering a bite of food.

Responding to Bids

The important thing about bids is how partners respond to them. According to Gottman, couples can respond to these bids in one of three ways:

1. Turning toward

This is when you respond to your partner’s bid with interest and engagement. It could be as simple as acknowledging their request or engaging in a meaningful conversation. This strengthens the bond between you.

For example, imagine your partner says, "Wow, today was really rough." In this situation, turning toward your partner would involve responding with empathy and interest, such as asking about their day and showing genuine concern for what they experienced.

2. Turning away 

This is when you ignore or fail to acknowledge your partner's bid. It’s not that you’re being intentionally rude, but maybe you’re distracted, tired, or stressed about something else. Still, if it happens often, it can make your partner feel ignored or rejected over time.

3. Turning against

This is when you respond to the bid in a negative or hostile way, like dismissing or criticizing your partner’s attempt to connect. This is the most damaging response and can create a rift in the relationship.

An example of turning against would be if your partner says, "I’m feeling a little down today," and you respond with something like, "You're always down. What's new? I've got my own problems." When you respond this way, you're not just shutting down your partner's attempt to connect—you’re also bringing in negativity that can chip away at trust and intimacy over time. If it keeps happening, it can make the relationship feel unsafe and distant, and over time, it might even start falling apart.

The Need to Turn Towards

Every time you acknowledge your partner’s bid for connection—whether it’s as simple as answering their question, making eye contact, or sharing a laugh—it’s like putting a little emotional “deposit” in their bank account. Over time, these small actions create a sense of trust, security, and closeness.

Research shows that in happy, lasting relationships, partners respond to each other’s bids about 86% of the time, meaning they regularly engage and show they care. On the flip side, in relationships that are struggling or on the verge of breaking down, partners only respond about 33% of the time, meaning two-thirds of their opportunities for connection are ignored or dismissed.

According to Dr. Gottman’s research, only 20% of people will rebid after their initial bid for attention is ignored or rejected. This means that when a bid for connection is missed, dismissed, or met with disinterest, most people (80%) won’t try again in that moment.

Over time, if bids are consistently ignored or rejected, the partner making the bids may withdraw emotionally, leading to disconnection in the relationship. This is why Gottman emphasizes the importance of turning toward bids to maintain emotional closeness. The more often you recognize and respond to your partner’s attempts to connect, even in small ways, the stronger and more resilient your relationship becomes.

Your Relationship Prescription

The little moments matter. Every time you turn toward your partner—whether it’s a quick smile, a thoughtful response, or simply acknowledging their presence—you’re strengthening your connection. It’s not about grand gestures; it’s about consistency.

So, the next time your partner makes a bid, take a second to engage. Put down your phone, make eye contact, and show them they matter. These small choices add up, creating a relationship that feels safe, loving, and unshakable. Start today—because every bid you turn toward is a step toward a happier, more connected partnership.