Why Have Date Nights?

I hear couples all the time say they don’t have time for date nights. While I know it can be tough, spending quality, undistracted time together is so important for keeping your relationship strong and close.

The Power of Date Nights

Let's face it, we didn't fall in love with our spouse because of the length of their to-do list or the amount of hours they work each day. We fall in love with someone because of how we feel when we are with them and how they make us feel about ourselves.

Marriage is built on friendship, and friendship thrives on having things in common and having fun together. It's tough for any friendship to last without time spent talking and enjoying each other's company. So why do we think a marriage can survive without putting effort into nurturing the friendship it started with?

Pay Now or Pay Later

When I recommend that couples have weekly date nights, I often hear a lot of reasons why it's not possible—like not having enough time, not being able to afford it, not having a babysitter, or just not knowing what to do. But here’s how I see it: it’s a matter of paying now or paying later.

Couples can choose to invest now by setting boundaries for time, budgeting for dates, and figuring out childcare. Or, they can pay a bigger price later—feeling lonely and disconnected in their marriage, or even needing a divorce lawyer to sort out things like property and custody. The truth is, if you're not actively working on your marriage, it's not staying the same—it's slowly slipping. There’s no such thing as just "maintaining" a marriage.

Couples can experience a quick and powerful transformation in their relationship by simply agreeing to set aside time to have fun together.

Date nights are all about having fun and enjoying each other’s company, so steer clear of rehashing the latest tiff or discussing the household budget. Stressful topics should be saved for another time. The point of a date night is to reconnect, strengthen your friendship, and build intimacy, not to stress each other out.

Date nights are an intentional way to invest in your relationship. These moments help you rediscover each other, strengthen the bond that brought you together, and make sure you're connected as a team to handle whatever life throws your way.

Rules for Date Nights

1. Avoid "Marriage Inc.": Do not use your date night to discuss logistics, household tasks, finances, or kids. If you spend your date planning the week, you are continuing to act as "co-managers" rather than partners. 

2. Undivided Attention: No cell phones, no multitasking, and no distractions.  

3. The "Conflict-Free Zone":  If a conflict or logistical stressor arises, acknowledge it, but immediately "park" it. Use a phrase like, "That is an important topic, but I want to stay focused on us right now. Let’s put that in the parking lot and discuss it on Tuesday at [specific time]."

4. The "One-on-One" Boundary: Whether it’s another couple or even having a child present, the presence of others creates an automatic filter. You cannot discuss your personal dreams, deep anxieties, or vulnerabilities in the same way with a third party listening.

5. The "No-Fixing" Rule: If you are discussing stresses, listen with empathy rather than trying to provide solutions. 

6. "Yes, And..." Attitude: Approach the time with a willingness to be vulnerable and open, which helps create a safe space for intimacy

Your Relationship Prescription

Date nights are more than just a fun break from routine—they're essential for keeping your relationship strong. By making time for each other, you’re investing in your connection and deepening your bond. It doesn't have to be complicated or expensive; it’s about being present, having fun, and prioritizing each other.

So, make it a habit to plan those date nights. Whether it's a simple walk or a cozy dinner, keep the spark alive, nurture your friendship, and remind each other why you fell in love. Your relationship will thank you for it!

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About Dr. Edwards

Dr. Teresa Edwards is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) with a PhD in Counseling and advanced training in the Gottman Method. She is passionate about translating proven relationship science into practical, everyday tools that help couples navigate conflict and build deeper, more meaningful connections.