Manage Perpetual Problems: The Gottman Method

The fifth level of the Sound Relationship House, a concept developed by Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, focuses on managing conflict.

Conflict is a natural part of any relationship, but here’s something to think about—most of the things you and your partner argue about will probably never get fully resolved. According to Dr. Gottman's research, 69% of relationship conflicts are perpetual. That’s because they stem from deep differences in personality, values, or lifestyle choices—things that aren’t likely to change.

Instead of trying to "fix" these never-ending disagreements, Dr. Gottman’s research shows that what really matters is how couples handle them. So, let’s dive into his approach and look at some practical ways to keep your relationship strong, even when you don’t always see eye to eye.

Perpetual Problems

Perpetual problems arise when two individuals have fundamental differences in how they approach life. These may include differences in parenting styles, spending and saving habits, or even varying levels of introversion and extroversion.

Since these differences come from deep-rooted personality traits and personal experiences, they don’t just vanish over time. The big takeaway is that these issues aren’t problems to solve, but differences to manage. If not handled well, they can lead to gridlock - feeling stuck, resentful, and disconnected. But if approached thoughtfully, these conflicts can actually bring partners closer together.

Managing Perpetual Problems

Gottman emphasizes that healthy relationships aren’t conflict-free; they’re conflict-resilient. With perpetual problems, the goal isn’t to "fix" them but to handle them in a way that keeps your relationship strong. Here’s how you can successfully manage perpetual problems:

1. Engage in Soft Start-ups

Research shows that how you begin a conversation sets the tone for how it unfolds. Conversations that begin with criticism or blame tend to escalate quickly. Instead of attacking or blaming, approach conflict with softened language and a collaborative mindset.

Instead of: “I'm sick of doing all of the housework. You never clean up! You’re so lazy.”

Soft Start-up: “I feel overwhelmed when the house is messy. Can we come up with a plan together?”

To learn more about soft start-ups, check out The Dance of Communication: The Soft Start-up.

2. Accept Influence

Successful couples understand that it’s important to be open to each other’s opinions, even when they don’t always agree. Accepting influence is about creating a space where both people feel heard and valued. It means recognizing that your partner’s perspective is just as important as your own, and that sometimes, meeting in the middle is the best solution.

Accepting influence is not about giving up or giving in, but about working together to find a compromise that benefits both of you. This kind of openness helps build trust and mutual respect, making it easier to handle future disagreements in a healthier way.

3. Find the Dream Within the Conflict

A lot of the arguments couples have aren’t really about the event that sparked the argument—like money management, chores, or time management. More often, they’re about deeper, unspoken issues, dreams, or desires that each person has. These dreams are connected to things like core values, long-term goals, or emotional needs, and they can come from past experiences or personal aspirations.

For example, Partner A might be upset about how little time they spend together, but what they’re really craving is more emotional connection or they might be afraid of being abandoned. Partner B hears their complaint about time spent together and gets defensive or pulls away, but their deeper need could be for more independence or they may have a fear of being controlled.

Dr. Gottman suggests that understanding these deeper dreams or underlying issues can help couples handle conflict better. When partners recognize the emotional needs behind each other’s views, they can approach the situation with more empathy and a willingness to understand.

It doesn’t mean they’ll always agree, but it does mean they’ll respect each other’s dreams, which can bring them closer and help them find solutions that work for both of them. In short, Dr. Gottman believes that exploring these "dreams" during a conflict can turn an argument into a chance for growth and a stronger emotional connection.

To search for the dream or deeper issue, ask yourself:

• “What does this issue represent for my partner?”

• “Is there a dream or value behind their stance?”

  
  

For instance, a conflict about finances may not just be about money—it could reflect one partner’s need for security and the other’s value of freedom. Recognizing these deeper meanings fosters empathy and connection.

4. Practice Repair Attempts

Even with the best intentions, not every conversation is going to go on without a hitch. Repair attempts are efforts to de-escalate tension during a conflict. They can be as simple as using humor, acknowledging your partner’s feelings, asking for a re-do, or asking for a break to calm down. Effective couples recognize and respond positively to these attempts.

Example: "I could have said that in a better way, let me try that again."

Your Relationship Prescription

Conflict isn’t the enemy in relationships—the real challenge is how couples handle it. Instead of aiming for a conflict-free relationship, focus on managing your differences in a way that strengthens your connection and respect for each other. When you shift the goal from "winning" or "fixing" disagreements to truly understanding and managing them, you can build a relationship that thrives, even with differences.

Couples who handle conflict with kindness, curiosity, and a willingness to compromise are the ones who stay together and get stronger. So, the next time you’re stuck in the same argument, ask yourself: Am I trying to "win," or am I trying to understand? By accepting ongoing conflict as part of a long-term conversation, you can create deeper love, respect, and connection in your relationship.