We've all been there—your heart is racing, your hands are shaking, and your mind is going a mile a minute during an argument with someone you care about. In the heat of the moment, you might feel like you have to keep talking, push for a resolution, or defend yourself. But trying to have a serious conversation when you're emotionally overwhelmed is one of the worst things you can do for your relationship.
Trying to resolve conflict when you're flooded is like having a serious talk in the middle of a tornado.
What Is Emotional Flooding?
Emotional flooding (also called physiological flooding) happens when your body goes into high-stress mode. Your nervous system kicks into fight, flight, or freeze, flooding your body with stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. This response is meant to protect you in dangerous situations, but when it happens in a conversation, it makes clear communication almost impossible.
Why You Can’t Communicate Effectively When Flooded
When you are in this heightened state, several key cognitive and emotional functions shut down, making it nearly impossible to have a productive conversation:
1. You can’t hear what’s being said.
When you are flooded, your brain becomes hyper-focused on defending itself rather than listening and processing new information. This can cause you to misinterpret neutral comments as attacks, assume the worst about your partner’s intentions, or struggle to find the words to express yourself.
Even if the other person is making perfect sense, you probably won’t really hear them—let alone fully understand what they’re trying to say. Instead of really listening, you’re planning your next defensive response or completely shutting down. At that point, the conversation isn’t about solving the problem anymore—it’s about defending yourself or trying to "win," and that won’t lead to a healthy resolution.
2. Logical thinking goes out the window
During flooding, the prefrontal cortex, responsible for rational thinking and problem-solving, is essentially hijacked by the amygdala, the part of your brain responsible for emotional reactivity and threat detection. While this shift would be great if you were in a situation where you needed to react quickly, like running from a lion, it isn’t helpful during a conversation. It makes you more likely to overreact, say things you don’t mean, think in black-and-white terms, or misunderstand what the other person really means.
3. It’s hard to be empathetic
Empathy requires emotional regulation. If you’re overwhelmed with anger, frustration, or hurt, you go into self-protection mode and it’s nearly impossible to step into your partner’s shoes and see things from their perspective. Instead of really trying to understand, you might get defensive, shut down, or even lash out. When both partners are emotionally flooded, empathy is replaced with defensiveness, and the conversation quickly spirals into blame, criticism, and emotional disconnection.
Signs That You’re Flooded
It's important to recognize when you're reaching the point of being flooded so you can step back before things get worse. Signs include:
A racing heart (typically above 100 beats per minute)
The urge to lash out or shut down completely
Struggling to focus on what the other person is saying
Shallow or rapid breathing
Muscle tension or clenched fists or jaw
What to Do Instead
When you recognize that you or your partner is flooded, the best course of action is to pause the conversation. Here’s how:
1. Take a Break
Agree to step away from the discussion for at least 20–30 minutes. This can look like, "I'm starting to feel flooded. Let’s take a breather—maybe 20 minutes or so? I’m gonna step outside for a quick walk and clear my head. We can pick this back up when we’re both feeling a little more calm."
2. Practice Self-Soothing Techniques
During a break, it's important to engage in activities that not only help you relax but also allow you to reset your mind and body. Now’s not the time to replay the argument in your head or plan what you’ll say when the conversation picks up again. It’s a moment to really step away—physically, mentally, and emotionally—so you can cool off and get some space to see things more clearly.
By focusing on activities that can lower your heart rate and reduce stress, such as mindfulness, progressive muscle relaxation, journaling your thoughts, listening to music, or going for a walk, you give yourself the opportunity to recover and rest. This time away is essential because it allows your brain to switch out of fight, flight, or freeze and allows you to think more clearly. When you come back to the conversation later, you’re more likely to approach it with a clearer mind and a calmer heart, which can lead to more productive, understanding dialogue.
3. Reschedule the Discussion
Once both of you have had time to cool off, pick a time to continue the discussion when you’re calmer and more open to listening. Try to agree upon a time within the next 24 hours to resume the discussion.
Before jumping back into the conversation, take a moment to try to understand your partner's perspective, even if you don't agree with it. When you return to the discussion, approach it with the intention of listening to understand their point of view. This will help you find common ground and move the conversation forward constructively.
4. Practice Self-Awareness and Emotional Regulation
Over time, developing emotional awareness and regulation skills can help prevent conversations from escalating in the first place. Emotional awareness means being in tune with your own feelings—recognizing when you're getting upset, frustrated, or angry, and understanding why you're feeling that way. This self-awareness gives you the ability to pause and check in with yourself before reacting impulsively.
When you're able to regulate your emotions, it means you can manage those feelings rather than letting them control you. This might involve taking deep breaths (which slows down your heart rate), stepping back for a moment, and using calming self-talk. The more you practice these skills, the easier it becomes to stay grounded during tough conversations.
As you build these emotional tools, you're less likely to let your emotions take over in the heat of the moment. Instead of reacting defensively or aggressively, you can approach the conversation with a clearer mind and a sense of calm, which helps keep things from spiraling.
Your Relationship Prescription
Trying to resolve conflict when you're flooded is like having a serious talk in the middle of a tornado —chaotic, overwhelming, and unproductive. The key is recognizing when emotions are running too high and stepping back before things spiral.
Conflict is normal in any relationship, but how you handle it makes all the difference. Take a step back to cool down and regulate your emotions before diving back into the conversation. This pause can help you have more productive, meaningful discussions and work through things in a healthier way.