Painful Interactions: Healing Old Wounds

Some conversations leave behind a lot of hurt. These painful interactions can't be ignored or brushed off. So, how do you start healing after a tough argument or a conversation that left you feeling hurt or let down?

Healing old wounds means talking about them, but not in the same way that caused the hurt in the first place. The conversation should focus on working through what happened during the argument, not rehashing the same points that led to it.

It’s important to stay calm and have the talk when both people can see the situation more clearly. The goal is to understand each other’s perspectives, experiences, and needs during the conversation, and figure out where the conversation went wrong so that future conversations can go more smoothly.

Again, this conversation should be about processing what happened, not diving back into a hurtful back-and-forth. It needs to happen in a calm, open way, so both people can talk about the issue more objectively and address how things were handled without reigniting the conflict.

Elements to focus on for healing.

1. Feelings and perceptions

Take turns talking about how you felt during the conversation, like feeling afraid, overwhelmed, hurt, or frustrated. Focus on your own emotions and perceptions without blaming the other person or commenting on their motives or feelings. This isn’t the time to criticize or judge; it’s about opening up and letting someone understand your experience. Focus on sharing what you saw, felt, and heard, using good "I" statements, and not on what your partner did.

For example, you might say, "During that argument, I felt really overwhelmed and hurt. I didn’t know how to handle everything being said, and it made me feel like I wasn’t being understood. I just wanted to express how I felt, but I ended up feeling shut down." This focuses on your emotions without blaming the other person or assuming how they felt. It opens up the conversation in a way that invites understanding, rather than judgment.

Remember, everyone sees things a little differently, and we all experience situations in our own way. Use this part of the conversation to share your perspective and be open to hearing and understanding the other person's point of view.

2. Triggers

Sometimes things get more heated or emotional because they’re touching on a deeper fear, need, or past pain. Take turns talking about what deeper issue was triggered by the situation and why it matters so much to you. As you think back on the situation, pause at a moment where you felt something similar before. Share that past experience with your partner so they can understand why it’s such a trigger for you.

This may look like, “When we were talking earlier, I got really defensive, and I realize it’s because it triggered a fear of not being good enough. In the past, whenever I felt like I wasn’t measuring up, it would make me feel abandoned or rejected. I remember a time when I was younger, I worked really hard on a project, and instead of getting support, I was criticized. That really hurt, and now, when I feel like I’m being criticized instead of supported, it brings back that feeling of not being good enough.”

This helps the other person understand why that situation hit so hard by connecting it to a deeper, past emotional trigger.

3. Responsibility

Take responsibility for your part of the hurtful conversation or interaction. None of us are perfect, and admitting your role in what happened can help lower any defensiveness from the other person. Taking responsibility might also mean recognizing and acknowledging any misunderstandings or assumptions that could have led to the miscommunication.

This may sound like, "I didn’t listen as well as I should have and jumped to conclusions too fast. When I heard what you said, I thought you were mad at me, and I got defensive instead of just listening to you. I’m sorry for not being more patient and for not trying to understand your side better.”

This shows taking responsibility for your part while also acknowledging how miscommunication or assumptions played a role.

4. Future plans

Talk about how you'd both like to handle a similar situation next time and how you can use this moment to make the relationship better. Take a moment to share what you both need from each other to move past this and leave it behind.

An example of this is, “Next time we’re in a similar situation, I think it would help if we both took a step back and took a breath before reacting. I’d like us to really listen to each other and not jump to conclusions. For me, it would also help if we took a moment to check in emotionally before talking about anything. I need to feel like we’re both on the same team, not against each other. How about you?”

This opens the door for both of you to share how you'd like things to go differently and what you need to move forward. Remember to take turns talking and listening. If you need to brush up on your listening skills, check out The Techniques of Listening and The Art of Listening.

Your Relationship Prescription

Healing old wounds isn’t just about talking—it’s about talking in a way that leads to understanding, not more hurt. It’s about stepping out of the cycle of blame and stepping into a space of openness, honesty, and growth. When you approach these conversations with a calm mind and a willingness to listen, you create an opportunity for real healing.

Focus on your feelings, share your perspective, and own your part in what happened. The goal isn’t to win the argument—it’s to strengthen the relationship and move forward with clarity and trust. Take the time to process, reflect, and make a plan for handling things better in the future. Healing is possible, and it starts with choosing to have the right conversations in the right way.