How Memory Can Fuel Conflict

"Yes, I did."

"No, you didn't."

"I remember it clearly!"

"But that's not how it happened!"

Does this sound familiar? I see it a lot during marriage counseling. Couples take sides in a memory tug-of-war where, ultimately, no one wins.

Some of the most intense arguments I've witnessed between couples revolve around memory differences - what was said or done, or not said or done - in the past. The problem is that our recollections aren't always as reliable as we'd like to believe.

The Flaws of memory

The Role of Personal Interpretation

We don’t usually remember conversations word-for-word. Instead, our brains filter what we hear through our own beliefs, emotions, and expectations. So, when we think back on a conversation, we're more likely to recall our own interpretation rather than the exact words that were said. This means what we think was said might not be exactly what was communicated.

The Impact of Unclear Communication

Sometimes the person sending the message isn't being as clear or detailed as they think they are. Instead of checking in to make sure they understood, the listener assumes they got it right and responds. This is where we get the comment, "But that's not what I meant," because their intended message was lost in translation. Later, when they look back on the conversation, the speaker remembers what they meant to say, while the listener recalls their own version of what was said.

Stop the Memory Wars

Memory tug-of-war isn't very effective. So what can be done about it?

1. Practice Humility

Take a big breath and be humble. Acknowledge that your memory isn't perfect and that there is a chance, even if it's a slight one, that your memory may be distorted by emotions, assumptions, or biases. This is a big step towards reducing conflict.

2. Agree to Disagree

If you disagree with your partner about a past event, agree to disagree. It's pointless to argue over something that neither partner can prove. Plus, it's not worth damaging your relationship just to be right. Shifting the focus from proving who’s correct to understanding each other’s perspectives helps maintain a healthy relationship.

3. Focus on the Present

Instead of rehashing past miscommunications, focus on how you’re feeling now and what you need. Staying in the moment helps couples connect and have more positive conversations.

Your Relationship Prescription

Memory isn’t as reliable as we like to think. Our brains don’t record events like a video camera—they piece together details, filling in gaps with emotions, biases, and personal experiences. That’s why two people can remember the same event completely differently and both feel absolutely certain they’re right.

Instead of arguing over who remembers things “correctly,” try to approach these moments with curiosity and understanding. Recognizing that memories are flexible, not fixed, can help reduce conflict and strengthen relationships. At the end of the day, what matters most isn’t proving who’s right—it’s finding common ground and staying connected.