Building Forever: Essential Premarital Conversations

Choosing to get married is an exciting decision that will shape the rest of your life. Few things in life are as fulfilling as a happy, healthy marriage. To build a strong and happy marriage, it's important to talk about key topics with your partner before the wedding. This article covers four essential topics—religion and spirituality, finances, boundaries, and expectations—that can help set the stage for a harmonious relationship.

Four Vital Premarital Conversations

1. Religion and Spirituality

Talking about your religious and spiritual values with your partner is really important. Studies show that couples who practice faith together tend to have better relationships, with less conflict and more teamwork. On the other hand, couples who don't share those practices are at a higher risk for marital problems and divorce.

Discussing your core values and beliefs with your partner is essential for building a strong foundation in your relationship. Start open conversations about your personal values and beliefs and how you can bring those into your shared life. This helps you understand each other better and strengthens your connection.

2. Finances

Money plays a big part in feeling stable in a relationship. Talking openly about money helps both partners get on the same page and figure out how to manage finances together. It’s important to be upfront about any debt you have and how you plan to pay it off. Knowing each other’s spending habits, views on money, and feelings about debt can help avoid misunderstandings and fights.

Talking about things like how to approach big purchases, setting spending limits, and planning a budget is key to keeping things smooth financially. Research shows that couples who talk openly about money and share financial responsibilities tend to have happier, less stressful marriages with better teamwork. Having conversations about your financial values and expectations can help you both get on the same page and strengthen your bond.

3. Boundaries

Having clear mental, emotional, and physical boundaries is important because they help define who we are and keep us safe. It is just as important to have clear and agreed upon boundaries for your relationship. These boundaries define what you’re responsible for—like your own feelings, actions, and thoughts—rather than leaving that responsibility up to your partner. They also communicate what you see as acceptable and unacceptable.

Boundaries help protect the relationship too. Couples should agree on boundaries with other people and situations to protect the bond they share. For example, talking about how involved family or in-laws should be, deciding on how much time to spend with friends, and setting rules for technology and social media use can help maintain a strong, healthy bond.

4. Expectations

We all bring certain ideas into the relationship—whether we’re aware of them or not—shaped by our families, the media, our culture, and past experiences. To have a happy, healthy marriage, it’s important to talk about what you both expect from each other. It can be helpful to discuss things like how you share power, make decisions, divide household chores, spend your free time and weekends, celebrate holidays, handle sickness, and show love every day.

When you talk about what you expect from each other, try to be as specific as possible. In premarital counseling, I often hear people say, "I expect you to show me that you love me." But that’s pretty vague—what does showing love actually look like? How will your partner know if they’re meeting that expectation? Instead, try saying something like, "I expect you to kiss me goodbye every morning before you leave." This way, your partner knows exactly what you're asking for. Make sure your expectations are realistic, and be ready to listen to and meet your partner’s expectations as well.

Your Relationship Prescription

Premarital conversations are more than just a checklist—they’re a chance to build a strong foundation for your future together. Take the time to dive into important topics like finances, family dynamics, and personal values. Be open, ask questions, and listen to each other’s perspectives.

These discussions will help you understand each other better and set the stage for a healthier, more resilient relationship. Don’t wait for issues to arise—have these conversations early on, and keep them ongoing as your relationship evolves. This proactive approach will make navigating challenges easier and create a deeper, lasting bond.