Connect with Your Teen

It's crazy how fast the teenage years sneak up on you! Some parents find it tough to adjust from parenting a young child to parenting a teen. The same communication skills that work well in a relationship with a partner also come in handy when connecting with your teen. Just making small, positive changes in how you interact with them can help shift things from feeling distant to feeling more connected.

1. Minimize criticism.

A lot of teens tell me their parents are quick to criticize them but hardly ever acknowledge when they've met their expectations. Think about it for a second—would you want to be around or talk to someone who’s always criticizing you? I know I wouldn't.

Criticism can make the person feel like they’re the problem, rather than focusing on the issue itself. For example, if a parent says, "Why can't you pick up your stuff? You're such a slob," they’re making the teen the problem instead of just addressing the messy room.

Parents can set boundaries and hold teens accountable without attacking their character or making them feel like the problem. A good way to do this is to use "I" statements instead of "you" statements. For example, instead of saying, "You're such a slob," a parent could say, "I feel frustrated when I see a mess in the living room. I'd really appreciate it if you could put your stuff in your room when you're done." And when your teen does follow through, let them know that you noticed and that you appreciate it.

2. Connect daily with your teen.

Every day, there are so many things pulling for your attention—emails, social media, your to-do list, and just life in general. Your teen shouldn't have to fight for your focus. Try to carve out at least 10 or 15 minutes each day to have an uninterrupted conversation with your teen, whether it's about their day or anything they want to talk about. Listen to really understand their feelings and validate them. Making your teen feel heard, understood, and important means slowing down, looking them in the eye, and checking in with how they’re feeling.

3. Be genuinely interested.

It’s such a great feeling to be truly understood. Some parents focus more on trying to shape their teen into who they want them to be, instead of really getting to know who they actually are. The teen years are a time for them to figure out who they are, what they want, and what they believe. Take the time to listen to their likes, dislikes, hopes, fears, dreams, and worries without trying to steer them or fix everything for them. If you need a little help with your listening skills, check out The Techniques of Listening.

Your Relationship Prescription

If you want to truly connect with your teen, set aside distractions and actively listen to their thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Make a point to show empathy and understanding, even when their emotions feel overwhelming.

Be consistent in your efforts to engage, whether it's through small daily conversations or bigger, deeper talks. Prioritize your relationship by respecting their individuality while offering support and guidance. Your teen needs your presence, so step up, be real, and keep showing up for them—this connection will pay off in the long run.